Replay: Hide Your Wife! Hide Your Kids!

Two men arm wrestling --- Image by © Markus Moellenberg/Corbis

Two men arm wrestling — Image by © Markus Moellenberg/Corbis

I can see wrestling enthusiasts arriving at the Keene Metroplex Arena, anticipating a great match between preachers. If you were present, your skin might be dancing from the media hype. The SWWFOP (Southwest Wrestling Federation of Pastors) billed this as the “Mother of All Wrestling Matches.” Can it live up to reported expectations?

The President of the SWWFOP, best known among wrestlers as “Chief Executive Dullard,” well versed his referees, “Little Bill” and “Dr. Who.” Chief Executive Dullard has reiterated over and over to his chosen officials the event strategy of control, divide and more control. Dullard developed a strategy of wait-them-out and let the time clock run approach as techniques to regulate “certain” groups. In better words, “the element control.”

Well now, let’s meet the contenders on the SWWFOP (Southwest Wrestling Federation of Pastors) Main Event Card.

SWWFOP officials titled this main event as the “Rumble in the Jungle” between the Dawgs and the Fraternity Brothers. The Dawgs are a team that come trained with “canine skills” led by the champion of champions Big Dawg with his supporting cast of Lil’ Wimpy and the cutesy Shirley the Poodle. Big Dawg leads all the Yard Dawgs in the Southwest and is well groomed from the wrestling school in cage tactics like attack, bite and then kill. Ouch!

Next, we see in the far distant corner, away from where I am calling this match, the unpopular and salacious but famous Rat Pack now taken over by Dino. They’ve taken a lot of whippings lately and are known for their dirty tricks.  You gotta’ watch out for this group because they will hit you with a chair when your back is turned and then give you a Rat Pack smile as if they are nowhere to be found.

Rising from scarcity are the Fraternity Brothers—a young upstart team of efficient, effective educated wrestlers who are hungry for blood so they can take the elevator all the way up to the top of the Eiffel Tower of success. In fact this is their first real fight. Bright Boy leads them and seems to be the brains of this team. Their liability of no experience really shows as they possess no skills in cage generalship. This could be a factor as to whether they win or not if they have to face the Rat Pack. Hitting below the belt marks their arsenal as their most potent weapon. Wow! A couple of hits and head lunges in that spot are designed to put “out the lights” of any opponent.

And there you have it! Three teams, all rules barred. Just fight until the last team is standing—while Dullard has his back turned. The official SWWFOP Committee chaired by Dullard will determine how, when and who these three teams will fight.

The lights are on!

The camera fades up. The crowd makes a lot of noise. But wait a minute! Our camera has focused on a fight outside of the cage. That’s Big Dawg and Dino butting heads and mixing it up. My cage side commentators are telling me that this out-of-the-cage fight broke out because Big Dawg hit Dino over the head with his illustrious golden yard chain. Oooooh, that’s really un-sportsman like.

Dino is on the ground grimacing in pain. But here comes Frank running from behind…. dawg2Did you just see what I saw? Frank has side whacked Big Dawg over the back with a chair. It knocks all the breath out of Big Dawg. I’m telling you Big Dawg never saw it coming. Big Dawg is out! Big Dawg is out! He can’t get up folks. Is that a “green card” Big Dawg is holding up? I don’t think he will ever be able to get up and return to the cage. Down goes Big Dawg! Down goes Big Dawg!

Nope! He won’t return. They have Big Dawg on a stretcher and medical attention is being given. The paramedics have placed a white blanket over him that ironically says in bold black letters, “Mr. Mismanagement.”

Big Dawg is out of the match. Isn’t that something? He’s out before even entering the cage. Big Dawg is out of the running for the championship belt and won’t return. I can see the Animal Control Wagon outside and Big Dawg being loaded into the wagon. They are administering to Big Dawg a lethal dose of “liquid biscuit” called “Incentive Exit Program for Dawgs.”

Wow! What a turn of events. Lil Wimpy is in the stands hiding under a seat mumbling some kind of mantra like, “Please don’t come after me! I’m innocent!” Cutesy Shirley the Poodle stands over Big Dawg wiping tears from her eyes, barking, “What am I gonna do now that Big Dawg is gone? Please don’t go Big Dawg.”

There seems to be an apparent huddle with the SWWFOP official committee that now has quickly retired to the upper room in the arena, summoned by Chief Executive Dullard to discuss the situation. It looks like the SWWFOP Committee has ruled. They have determined that a final match between the Frat Brothers and the Rat Pack will now become the Main Event. Have you ever seen anything like this? What can go wrong, will go wrong!

The Frat Brothers and the Rat Pack have occupied the cage in their respective corners for the first time.

The Rat Pack stands nearest to me from in the cage with their leader Dino on the ropes whining to Frank with the reclusive Jerry to the left of him. Frank and Jerry taunt the Frat Brothers as if something unexpected might be coming. The austere Frank bends his head slightly down, seemingly whispering something into Dino’s ear. Frank administers a couple of slaps to Dino’s cheeks and the Rat Pack are now all up on their feet anticipating Little Bill and Dr. Who to motion them out to the center of the cage; and yes, the introverted Jerry stands confidently tall like a swaying redwood tree warming up for spring, stretching just minutes before the main event. Its’ gonna to be a good one folks. Don’t leave for popcorn—you might miss something.

Look at that. The fast footed, energetic, dancing, jumping Frat Brothers are running around the cage taunting the Rat Pack by bouncing on and off the sides of the cage. The histrionic Bright Boy leaps in the air and practices his famous drop kick. To me it looks like no contest. The Brothers seem too fast on their feet while the Rat Pack appears flat footed, old and out of shape.

They are now summoned to the center of the cage for instructions. Referee Little Bill gives the riot act: “no biting, no spitting and no pinching or breaking wind. I want you to break when I tell you to and remember you are out on the count of three. Do I need to repeat this in Spanish? Now slap each other’s hands and go to your corners.” They refuse to slap hands and both teams walk to their corners. They really don’t like each other folks.

And the bell rings. Dino and Bright Boy run to the center of the cage concurrently and immediately clinch.

The Bright Boy fights his way out of Dino’s hold. The Bright Boy shows his dazzling Frat Dance on his toes out maneuvering the flat footed Dino in the center cage. Oh wow! The Bright Boy just dropped kicked Dino. Dino is dazed. Dino wobbles back to the corner mumbling, “You got me going in circles,” “You got me going in circles.” This could be the end folks.

@ettubrut2I can’t believe this? The cage is now being contravened by a bunch of senior Rat Pack wrestlers. Oh my word, all the Frat Brothers from outside the cage have rushed into the cage.  Folks the cage has turned into an uncontainable slug fest. But the senior Rat Pack wrestlers are now using Dino’s classic “lights out” chair tactic. They are wiping the floor with the Frat Brothers as they hit the canvass one after the other, sometimes simultaneously. My word folks, Frat Brothers are piled on top of each other and its growing.

Pandemonium has broken out and the referees are not in control of the cage! Bedlam best describes the situation here. What a spectacle. Dullard is sucking his lips. The Chief Executive doesn’t know what to do; and Dullard turns to the World Wrestling Federation of Pastors advisers, Heckle and Jeckle. And what’s this! Heckle and Jeckle are leaving the Keene Metroplex Arena.  The WWFOP advisers have left Dullard to figure the match out on his own. My word folks! Can it get any more worse?

Now here is what’s happening as I speak. The Fraternity Brothers are inside the cage out on their backs in body piles everywhere. In the center of the cage, lies the Bright Boy out cold, face down on the canvas. I can see Frank motioning with his hands to Dino to turn the Bright Boy over on his back to administer his death defying swan dive. Dino does exactly what Frank wants him to do, stagger over to the side of the cage, singing “You got me going in circles; climbs to the top of the cage….and from there Dino Jumps and swan dives on top of Bright Boy. The Bright Boy takes a big sigh and now rests almost lifelessly on the canvass.

It’s over folks! It’s over folks! The Bright Boy has been counted out in three by Little Bill with Dr. Who watching! Dino’s right foot rests on the Bright Boy’s chest and shouts to the crowd, “You sold me out for chicken change, you thought you had it all arranged.”

And now in the center of the cage, the Rat Pack holds their arms up taunting the Keene Metroplex Arena crowd. The Rat Pack has won the coveted prize to choose their Champion.

Running down the Keene Metroplex Arena aisle, dressed handsomely in black, creased with a smile of victory on his face and jumping into the cage to receive the Championship belt is….to be crowned….to lead the Rat Pack is….is….is….or….is it?

COULD WE HAVE DONE BETTER? COULD WE HAVE BEEN MORE CHRISTLIKE?

When an election with the Seventh-day Adventist Church becomes so political and conflictadvancement is everything, disrespect for each other become paramount. Eventually you end with a wrestling tournament as satirically described. You end up with thoughtless promotions and then everyone suffers. When will you the constituent say enough is enough?

Yes, the election has ended and healing must take place but let us not forget the damage inflicted upon our organization.

With the new administration now in place and foolish gloating smiles of victory are seen by the Rat Pack:

Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife hide your kids….

 

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