Wake up all you old yard dawgs, no more sleepin’ in bed
No more backward thinkin’ time for thinkin’ ahead
Your yard has changed so very much from what it used to be
There is so much scandal, blood and un-surety
Wake up all the yard dawgs, time to think a new way
Then…maybe Big Dawg will listen to whatcha have to say. . . .
Episode 1: THE BIG BUY OUT
BIG DAWG: What’s up Lil Wimpy?
LIL WIMPY: I just left Pet Cemetery.
BIG DAWG: Who passed away Lil Wimpy?
LIL WHIMPY: One of the old yard dawgs.
BIG DAWG: What happened to him?
LIL WIMPY: The old yard dawg ran out of dawg biscuits. You know Big Dawg, you bought all the old dawgs out for 20 bags to leave their yards, and poor Larry ended up a casualty of your biscuit program. When Larry couldn’t find biscuits to eat, he signed in at the animal shelter where he eventually lost his mind. The “keepers” at the animal shelter gave him a shot on his back side and sent him on to his rest.
Afterward, they took him to pet cemetery where they slid Larry into the incinerator.
Larry, who’s from the South Yard, asked me before he breathed his last words at the shelter to tell you Big Dawg to bury his ashes under your dawg house. He said you know how too really dig a bone up. So Larry from South Yard thought you could bury his ashes real good so you could remember how he went to his rest after being biscuit broke. Here’s Larry’s biscuit urn Big Dawg. Isn’t it real cute? At the shelter those keepers get real innovative.
Big Dawg: Wow!
Lil Wimpy: But here’s the kicker Big Dawg…. Larry also told me while he was on Doctor Death’s terminal table in a scratchy voice; with panting desperation, and pulling me close to him with his little paw said this:
“Other old yard dawgs are pointing their fingers at Big Dawg and you Lil Wimpy.” Larry also said, “Big Dawg and Lil Wimpy did this to me!”
You see, the yard dawgs thought they had enough biscuits to live on, but they didn’t count their biscuits before they were done. And what happened to Larry will happen to many of the other “old yarders” who took their biscuits and ran. They are saying out in the yards that Big Dawg and Lil Wimpy didn’t tell them the whole truth. They call our scheme, “Death by cover-up.”
BIG DAWG: I can’t believe the other yard dawgs didn’t know that I was planning to buy them out for dawg biscuits. Didn’t you tell them Lil Wimpy?
LIL WIMPY: That’s why they call me Wimpy…. Big Dawg—I didn’t have the heart or the guts. I was made this way! I was made this way Big Dawg! I can’t change who I am!
The poor old dawgs didn’t know that they didn’t have enough animal control insurance, or they couldn’t sign up for biscuit-care.
BIG DAWG: What about Shirley the Poodle who is our chief biscuit Accountant?
LIL WIMPY: She’s a poodle with a confusing disposition Big Dawg—Shirley is this way…. and that…. and that way…. and this.
No Big Dawg. When Shirley started dishing out the biscuits, the old yard dawgs had never seen so many dawg biscuits at one time and they thought they were rich. Why. . . .with all those dawg biscuits the old yard dawgs dreamed that they had a fortune. They could taste the butter and syrup on those biscuits until saliva oozed from their canine teeth.
BID DAWG: You know Lil Wimpy, those biscuits taste good soaked in butter and syrup. It’s not my fault that the old dawgs licked their chops and dug in to a wealth of biscuits before they signed their life away. After all I am saving my yard…. now that they are–let’s say—no longer eating my biscuits.
Next year we’re gonna get younger. I’m gonna bring in some of those young Golden Retrievers and when I say, “Fetch” they will retrieve with no back bark….Lil Wimpy stop your whimpering and get to the news that’s out in the yards….
LIL WIMPY: If you want the truth, the dash hounds and golden retrievers are glad you are getting rid of the old dawgs. They feel that it’s their time for a shot at some power over all the yards. And one of your most trusted dash hounds is dashing around the yards with his other breed of hounds to take over your big dawg house. Lucky talks with a broken bark and is promising all the dawgs fish biscuits…hmmmm . . .delish!
BIG DAWG: But I gave him a position in my yard headquarters. I gave him authority over the dawgs. I believed in him and trusted him. This can’t be true?
LIL WIMPY: What you fail to see Big Dawg is that Lucky, the galloping Lone Stranger of the hounds, is an impressionist. And unfortunately you bought into his impressions by dealing the old yard dawgs biscuits for retirement, unfortunately you did this before the next yard election. You lost the support of the old dawgs and didn’t realize that you are one of them, an old dawg.
The eager young fraternity of hounds along with Lucky is planning to sell you out for “chump change” to animal control sometime in the summer of next year after which you will eat Kibbles and Bits until you also get the needle in your back side and….like Larry they are going to slide you into the incinerator where later they will bury your ashes in Pet Cemetery where the dash hounds plan to place a head stone in your memory that reads…….
Here lies, Big Dawg, who unfortunately lived on other impressions that took him in so many directions by neglecting self-reflection and introspection and most importantly the faithful old dawgs who united to entrust their fate at his big yard election. His yard now laid to rest by his own misguided actions…
and that was the end of….
*This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental